Human Petting Zoo

Guest post #1 - David (AKA "the real jew")

Well, it happened. I always have these great ideas, that usually get mocked and ridiculed by my friends. I eventually drop my great idea, and, inevitably, the idea is stolen by somebody else.

This particular idea of mine was for a human petting zoo. It's pretty straight forward, actually - instead of animals at the zoo, there would be people. I would "acquire" all different types of people: fat, skinny, white, black, brown, yellowish-brown, people missing limbs, people with messed up brains, etc. These people would live in an enclosed area, much like the animals at a zoo, and for a small fee, guests would be allowed in to pet and feed the humans, much like they would a goat. The humans would be "natural" (i.e. unclothed) and wouldn't be allowed to speak (I may or may not remove their tongues to enforce this).

Now, I am not inhumane or sick in any way, so, the humans in my petting zoo would be well provided for (proper food, water, shelter when it's cold, etc.). On top of that, there would be strict rules about how you could pet the humans - obviously genitals would be off limits, as this is a petting zoo, not a Costa Rican strip club.

Some of you might be thinking, "how are you going to acquire these humans?" Well, I'll tell you. I've decided the best aquisition method would be to prey on the weak (both physically and mentally), poor, and homeless. When you think about it, I would be providing a better life for these folks. They wouldn't have to worry about where their next meal came from or whether they would be sleeping on the streets that night. The mentally weak wouldn't have to deal with the stress of the real world and could roam carefree in their luxury enclosures.

The problem, as always, is that some jackass decided to make a mockery of my idea and open a half-assed human petting zoo. As always, because people couldn't appreciate the art behind my idea, I lose.