Weekend Round-Up
Got drunk four days/nights in a row. Felt like shit yesterday. Feeling better today. I feel really bad for everyone that had to leave here at 5 in the morning to fly back home. I feel even worse for those who had to drive them.
Internet Heist
I’ve been “borrowing” an internet signal, here and there, over the last few days. This morning I noticed that the network that was once named “Wireless” is now named “Not Your Network”. Very clever. You know what else is clever?...creating a password for your network….morons.
For those of you scoring at home:
Educated 1, Moron 0
57 and 68
After hours of meticulous review over the weekend, I think I have selected my two favorite photos in this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Pages…
Your thoughts?
Y2K
The coffee mug I drank out of this morning had the following text on it…
It’s coming…01-01-00
Frightening.
Rejected Letters to God
Sometimes people send me ideas for Letters to God that are terrible. Usually, I just throw them out and dismiss them. This one is too good for that.
Received on March 3, 2009 via email:
Dear God,
You know what would have been a better idea. Instead of having to use a condom to stop pregnancy, you should have made it so that we would need to use something like a condom to get someone pregnant. I’m not trying to tell you how to run the show, but it seems like you didn’t really think that one through.
- Lunchbox
As I informed Lunchbox, God doesn’t have time for this shit. He’s got to worry about Lent and the Nasdaq and Mesothelioma…he’s a very busy god. If you want to harass a god with some free time, try Poseidon. What does he do? Make some former NFL players disappear? Big deal.
Also, Lunchbox, why do you care about condoms? You’re not a homosexual and, as far as I know, have never been in the Navy…why would you use condoms?
R&R
The daily grind is starting to wear on me. I think I need a break from it all. A vacation…YES…a vacation is what I need.
I think I may be heading down to L.A. and San Diego later this weekend. A few days off will be good for me.
Better get my Randy Newman tapes out.
Groomsman Bio
We’ve all seen these before…the paragraph in the wedding program that tells a little something about the wedding party and how everyone knows each other. So McG asks me to whip one up for his wedding. I attempted to commission this task to a few others (LB, LC, Rev Run) and, frankly, was not pleased with their work/responses. So here’s my attempt…draft number one…
Sean and Dan met on warm summer’s day in the late summer of 1999 at the University of Iowa. Due to an incident with Dan’s bible-beating first semester roommate, a knife, and a stopwatch at 3 in the morning…Sean moved in. Dan and Sean soon found out that they were not compatible sexually, but rather compatible alcoholically…yes, they drank.
The remainder of their freshman year in room 513 was a magical time. From waking up their neighbors with a hammer, to hallway Frisbee, to drunken wrestling, fucking with the Lunchbox and Catfish, and enjoying Quiet Time with MDR and BDK…they were best pals. Sean soon left Iowa to follow alternative paths. Their paths would cross again a few years later with Sean returning to Iowa.
Dan is an unemployed civil engineer, freelance writer, and television enthusiast. He may or may not be a registered sex offender. This keeps Dan’s mailing address fairly liquid as he often has to move from state to state to avoid Megan’s Law ramifications. Dan is a Leo who is looking for the right woman to take care of him fiscally and attend various social events with him. His favorite musical is The Sound of Music, although West Side Story isn’t far behind.
Dan has always viewed Sean as a liability…a wild card. Dan is envious of Sean for marrying his meal-ticket and hopes to follow in those footsteps. That is where the envy starts and stops.
All single ladies in attendance should find Dan later, on the dance floor, for some dance moves that would make Baby and Johnny Castle blush.
The ABBA Epiphany
One day in high school I heard an ABBA song. I thought it was the first time I had ever listened to the song, but, somehow, I knew nearly all of the words. After trying a few more songs, I realized something was up.
Later that evening I shared the event with my parents. I was soon informed by my mother that she listened to ABBA everyday when I was a baby. I guess that explains it.
Here are my favorites…
“S.O.S.”
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