Oh shit…forgot I had a blog.

Fruit Snack Mystery Game

It seems that no matter how much the fruit snack manufacturers of the world try to make their fruit snacks shaped and colored like actual fruit, I’m still fucking lost. I can usually decipher the lemons, but that’s about it. I mix up strawberries and raspberries; oranges and peaches.

How can we fix this people? Simple answer. We pass a resolution in the UN that all the fruit snack manufacturers need to put a flavor key/legend on each individual fruit snack bag.

I know what you’re all thinking, “Dan, did you just solve one of the biggest problems of society AND create new jobs at the same time?” Simply put…yes.

Family Time and Pale Skin

Even though I live with my parents I don’t spend much “family time”. I have a very limited interaction schedule with my parents. By the time I wake up in the morning, my mother is already off to work. I exchange about 15-25 words with my retired father in the morning while filling up my coffee cup. When my mother gets home from work she pops into my room for a quick hello. If I choose to eat dinner with my parents, I usually eat silently or, in reaction to the news program that is ALWAYS on, rant about how the media cares too much about silly illnesses (swine flu) and missing/murdered white women.

Sunday was a little different. To celebrate Mother’s Day, the family (including sister, brother-in-law, and nephew) went out to dinner. Mexican restaurant…insert stereotype joke here. The entire ordeal lasted 2 hours and 50 minutes, door to door. Think about that…nearly 3 fucking hours to eat a meal. Painful.

While at dinner, my sister commented about my recently-shaven face…beardless. She asked, “Why did you get rid of the beard?” I responded with my standard, “No reason to my actions…just did it”, but she pressed on. I then stated curtly, in an attempt to end conversation on the topic, “You want to know why? Fine. Because when you have a beard in the winter it’s acceptable. When you have a beard in the summer you look like a rapist.” Conversation terminated. Back to my GIANT margarita.

Body Wash

I don’t like wash cloths and luffas and those little puffy things. I don’t like fucking around with bottles in the shower. I don’t like body wash.

What is wrong with the old bar of soap? It’s disposable, inexpensive, and, above all else, self-cleaning.

With my pseudo-homeless lifestyle, I often find myself staying at the homes of others. It seems that more and more people have switched to the body wash. I’m then forced to use it and clean myself using a combination of suds and my hands. It feels like I’m raping myself. My hands…everywhere. Very bizarre. Very unnatural. Very unsettling.

The Future is Now

This article was sent to me last week. This is real. This is really happening. Read.

Fucking Fagots

I got some rope and tied up some fagots last Tuesday. Fucking fagots.

Kangaroos

Skoal Pouches fucking suck. What is this? Chewing tobacco for beginners? A waste of $5…that’s what this is.

Quite Unusual

Found this today while dicking around on Wikipedia.

What’s the deal with homeschooling?

Every time I hear about someone being homeschooled I get a chill up by spine. It is estimated that 2.5-4 million students in the U.S. are homeschooled. Of these, 33% of the parents state that the reason they keep the kids out of schools is religion. 85% state that they don’t like the safety and drugs and crime in schools.

Are these people serious? Don’t they realize they are creating sociopaths?

Oh, but their ACT and SAT test scores are higher. Big fucking deal. They are losers. Fuck homeschooled kids.

I Like Pianos

“Only the Good Die Young” by Billy Joel

“Backstreets” by Bruce Springsteen”

“Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters” by Elton John

“Lovers in Japan” by Coldplay

“Underground” by Ben Folds Five

Jobby Job

My first job interview since 2003 is tomorrow. Wish me luck, pray to your mythical gods for me…whatever.