Resume...Forward Accordingly

This whole "job search" thing isn't going as smoothly as I hoped it would...so I've decided to ask you all for help.  Here is my resume.  Please forward it accordingly for me.  Thank you.

Also...see if you can fix the formatting issue before sending it on.

DAN R., N.R.S.O.

Lives with parents

6250feet.blogspot.com 

REGISTRATION

Non-Registered Sex Offender

State of Nevada

EXPERIENCE

2003 – 2008                    

DANHARD  

National Director of Keeping It Real (Self-Appointed)

·         Distributed semi-nude photos of celebrities to fellow associates via email

·         Made and received numerous personal phone calls and emails

·         Dicked around on various websites including Wikipedia, Yahoo! Fantasy Sports, The Dirty, Busted Coverage, Baseball Reference, CNN

·         Critiqued grammar/spelling/fashion/religion/opinions/children’s names of co-workers

·         Trained several associates on how to use various back/side doors to avoid confrontation with management

·         Set up bowling events (3) to encourage drinking and driving

·         Set up golf event to see female interns in revealing clothing

·         Repeatedly brought pork rinds to company picnic-like events despite no one ever eating them

·         Drank 3 gallons of water in 6 hours, 36 minutes and made spreadsheet of water consumption rate (gpm)

·         Gave nicknames to over 10 co-workers including Jaws, Cadillac, Skymall, Mexico, Ponytail/JR, and Newmanium

·         Wrote parody song to make fun of cocksucker intern

 

Summer 2002

NORTHERN CHICAGO SUBURB

Engineering Intern

·         Cruised the town for several hours in city vehicle to do “construction inspections”

·         Turned on hazard lights in middle of road one time due to critical moment of Chicago Cubs game

 

Summer 2001

SUNGLASSES STORE   

Worker

·         Sat on a bench in middle of Coral Ridge Mall because bitch manager took the top off my stool

·         Left the store open and unattended for over an hour to go home for lunch

·         Went to Bennigan’s for several mid-shift cocktails

·         Gave discounts/freebies to anyone who asked

·         Was reprimanded by store manager for selling $165 sunglasses (with flames on the sides) to a retarded kid

·         Called in sick with cancer one time…seriously

·         Skipped last day of work to go to breakfast – gate never went up at store that day

 

 EDUCATION

1999 – 2003

UNIVERSITY OF IOWA                                                         

Bachelor of Science (barely), Civil Engineering, December 2003

 

TECHNICAL EXPERTISE

·         Proficient in Oregon Trail, Wikipedia, Paint, Calculator

 

AFFILIATIONS

·         Drunks for Drinks Program – Founder

·         Drinks for Drunks Program – Associate Member

 

INTERESTS/HOBBIES

·         Marco Polo, Reading Erotic Stories, Backwards Name Game

Panda-style?