Quips, Quick Wits, & Anecdotes

Ski Report

Went to the terrain park for the second straight day today.  Tried to ride the little box all the 14-year old snowboarder girls were going off.  FELL ON MY ASS.  Right ski flew off.   Poles 20 feet behind me.  Just a fucking mess.  Exactly the same as yesterday.

I now have a helmet and medical insurance...so I’m pretty extreme.

Gigity

The eagle has landed, the fat man walks alone…the jig is up.  The wireless network that I have been jumping onto, Gigity, is no longer working.  I don’t know who to blame for this, but I’m angry.

Anyone know where the line “the eagle has landed, the fat man walks alone” is from?  A few hints:  Sony guts; You want disco?; Alex P. Keaton.

Currently at the Blue Angel cafe.  There is a baby here.  I think he's eyeing me.  We may have to step outside.

Wrath of the Hot Tub

It gets you every time.  Why is it that every time you spend too much time in the hot tub you are so tired when you get out?  Now I’m not exactly sure of the science behind it, but I’m willing to give it a shot.

A long, long time ago a wise man told me of an ancient scientific proverb.  Something powerful.  A bit of knowledge so extraordinary that it only comes around once in a lifetime…if you’re lucky.  A thought so fragile, you could only whisper it for fear it would disappear:  the buddy system.  And who was this wise man?...MDR.  Yes, MDR.  The very MDR who is currently on borrowed time.  The MDR of the famous "R Tree Service" t-shirt.

The buddy system is when…wait…let me tell you a little about how this all started.  It was a warm Sunday afternoon in late summer of 1999.  The kids were boppin’ to the sweet sound of LFO’s “Girl on TV” and Kid Rock’s “Cowboy”.  Clinton was in the White House, Shaq was with the Lakers, Google was just a big number, and I was a freshman in college.  18...impressionable.

It was the first time MDR gave me a ride anywhere and it was 4 in the afternoon.  As I hopped in the passenger seat of MDR’s steed I couldn’t help but notice the 12-pack of Busch Light under the passenger seat.  I was nervous, but I had to do it, so I asked, “What is with the open 12’er?”.  The response was not what I was looking for.  MDR reached across the center console and into the box pulled out a can.  He then turned to me and said “You want one?” (I can’t actually remember if he asked “you WANT one?” or “you NEED one?”…either question fits MDR).  I cordially replied “no” and we were off…until…well, until I felt the need to ask a question.  A question that would change my life.  I asked MDR, “Don’t they get warm?”.  He looked at me and said, “No, they’re on the buddy system”.  As we went back and forth with questions and answers I soon realized I was receiving a great gift.

I’ll summarize the buddy system as best I can for you.  Believe me, I’d love to explain it all to you, but there aren’t enough characters in the English language.  The buddy system is something that happens with beers in a case, kegs in a pile, or a shitload of Boone’s Farm in a cooler.  You see, all the beers are friends.  They want to help each other out.  If one is cold, he’ll try to keep his friends cold.  That’s why a cold case of beer will remain cold.  Take out one beer and not only does the individual get warmer faster, the rest do too.

In conclusion, I think that’s what happens in the hot tub.  Only with the water and your blood or something like that.  Not really sure.  Hey, I’m not a scientist, I just like telling that story.

24

Over the last few days, besides finishing the puzzle (OH YEAH…THE PUZZLE IS DONE!!!), I have been watching a lot of 24.  Season 3.  The first time I’ve seen any episode of 24.  And guess what?  I am NOT a fan.  I’m glad I’ve never watched it before.  No profanity; no thank you.  Jack Bauer is a pussy and frankly, a bit of a fraud.  How can he go through all this shit without swearing once?  I guess I just need my action heroes with a little bit of profanity.  John Matrix, John Rambo, John Entwistle…none of them were afraid of profanity.  I can’t help but wonder, will the number 24 be a cursed number for me for life?

No.  I can’t let that happen.  I can’t let Donald Sutherland’s kid do that to a number.  I need to redeem 24 somehow.  But how?

Wait…what if I go to the 7-11 and try to get the most kickass combination of goods for $24…would that work?  

Yes...it did.

Here is the best $24 you can spend at 7-11:

-          One “thing” of Mentos…fruit flavored

-          Two Bic lighters…standard size…orange, white

-          33.8 FL OZ of Diet Coke (one liter)

-          Two packs of cigarettes

-          One issue of Penthouse Magazine

Porno Puzzles

Do they exist?  Should they exist?

Barack the Vote

Don't forget to vote for which story you want to read about.  Polls end on Sunday...mother fuckers...see you chumps on top.