The Taste of Money

There is a show on the Travel Channel called Man vs. Food.  While watching this show recently I thought to myself, “Holy shit…this dude is Lunchbox!”  The host, Adam Richman, looks like Lunchbox, dresses like Lunchbox, and, most noticeably, eats like Lunchbox.

The basic gist of the show is the guy travels to different cities and goes to a few famous restaurants to eat and talk about the food.  We’re not talking soup and salad…its usually huge sandwiches or piles of hot wings or 30” pizzas.  The last segment of every show has the guy eating something to get his picture on the wall or a plaque or a t-shirt or something…eating competitions.

The guy is pretty good at it but I know someone who is better…Lunchbox.  Have you seen him eat?  The man can put down some serious volumes.  Any food…doesn’t matter…he can do it.  For fuck’s sake…he’s got his picture on the wall of a restaurant already.

You’re probably thinking, “Wait a minute.  Dan, don’t you have your picture on the wall of a restaurant?”  Yes…but not for eating…just because I was wearing a kickass banana costume to a BBQ joint in New Orleans.

So what do we do?  Do we try to get Lunchbox his own TV show to showcase his skills of devouring?  No…too easy.  We hustle.

Now I don’t know too much about hustling people…so I turn to proverbial bible of hustling…Marty Scorsese’s hit movie…The Color of Money.

I invest.  And do you know what I invest in?  Excellence.

 

The Hustle

The ultimate competitive food eating showcase is Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.  The event takes places every 4^th of July in Coney Island.  The best eaters from around the world compete.  The best in the world except one…Lunchbox.

Lunchbox could enter this, win, and clean-up in prize money.  But there’s more money out there to be had betting on Lunchbox eating.  Hustling.

We need to hit the road.  I cover all expenses and front the money (via unemployment) for all the bets…therefore, I get 60%.  60%.  I’ll also need to pick up a white Cadillac Fleetwood.  Preferably with a red leather interior.

Just picture Lunchbox walking around a long dinner table in a black t-shirt that says “BRETT”, eating hundreds of jalapeño poppers while Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves of London” is playing…this is going to be incredible.

 

Two Brothers and a Stranger

We’ll need a third for this one.  Preferably a lady.  Any volunteers?

Here’s how it goes.  Lunchbox rolls into a restaurant and starts to eat…aggressively.  He challenges random patrons to eat-offs and is winning.  Meanwhile, I’m in the restaurant, maybe having a drink, maybe making it look like I’ve had too many drinks.  I’m all over the lady and she’s all over me.  I start mouthing off to Lunchbox and he gets pissed at me.  We exchange words…serious words.

I say that Lunchbox is a pussy and that the guy he is eating against can beat him.  I then bet $500 the other guy will win.  Does Lunchbox bet against me?  No.  Someone else in the crowd does.  Boom…easy money.

 

The Dump

He can’t win them all.  If he does, no one will be and we won’t make any money.  Lunchbox has to learn how to dump.  Dump like a pro.  Vomit.

We’ve got to get him into a few eating competitions, for cash, where he loses.  Hopefully he can dump against the best…Joey Chestnut, Eater X, or Takeru Kobayashi.  Why?  To set up the big payout at Nathan’s…that’s why.

 

The Sneaky Pete

This one might be a little tough and a little uncomfortable.  Lunchbox will have to enter the restaurant wearing a corset.  Some sort of NASA-designed super corset.  We need him to be so cinched up that he looks like he weighs a buck sixty.

Lunchbox then starts to inquire about the food challenge and acts innocent.  After we draw our mark and set our price, Lunchbox goes in back to de-corset and expand.  Boom…easy money.

 

Wednesday Tunes…ala The Color of Money

“One More Night” by Phil Collins

“It’s in the Way That You Use It” by Eric Clapton

“Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon

“The Girl from Ipanema” by Stan Getz and Astrude Gilberto

 

Not in the movie, but irresistible…

“Lawyers, Guns, and Money” by Warren Zevon

 

I’m back…back in the South Lake groove

If you guys need to get a hold of me today…sorry…I’ll be skiing.  What son!!!

 

Letters to God

Apology

Sorry I Rick-Rolled you guys.  Suckers.