Solving the Pirate Problem

I thought the authorities had a firm handle on the Somali pirate situation but I was clearly wrong.  I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes, so I abstained from adding my two cents.  After last week’s debacle I’ve decided to step up and solve this pirate problem once and for all.

The Problem

A lot of you are probably aware that there is a pirate problem, but you may not know all the ins and outs.  I’ll explain.  I’ll explain using visual aids.  The map below shows the general area in discussion.

The easiest way for ships to travel to and from Europe and south/southeast Asia is through the Suez Canal, Red Sea, and Gulf of Aden.  Unfortunately, the country that borders the south of the Gulf of Aden is Somalia.  To the north…Yemen...where they get their weapons from.  Without getting too much into the history of Somalia, they’re pretty fucked up.  Somalia has been a shit show since the Brits, French, and Italians got out after World War 2.  In this blogger’s opinion, we should just fly a couple hundred B-1’s full of Quikrete over Africa and wait for the rains.  Unfortunately, that idea, although brilliant, may be a little too costly for the current financial belt-tightening.

So the cargo ships and tankers are going through the Gulf of Aden and BOOM…intercepted by pirates.

The Solution

How can we stop these pirates?  Apparently no one wants to arm the crews of the ships.  Okay, I get it, cargo loads are flammable and, frankly, the crews didn’t sign up to play John Matrix.

We can have naval ships from many countries patrol the area in an attempt to stop the pirate attacks.  Wait…isn’t that already happening?  Yes.  Is it working?  No.

Couldn’t we invade Somalia in an attempt to “liberate” their people and implement a Westernized democracy?  We could…but…they don’t have any oil…so…ehhh…not really worth it in the long run.

There has to be a simpler answer.  An answer that doesn’t involve guns, naval ships, Quikrete, or wars.  Hold on…I’m remembering something from 4^th grade.  Isn’t there another way to get from Asia to Europe.  YES!  I’ve got it.  The ships could sail AROUND Africa.

The map below shows the route that the ships could take.  These ships would have to enter/exit the Mediterranean Sea through the Strait of Gibraltar.  You’re probably thinking…couldn’t the countries that border the Strait of Gibraltar attack the ships?  No.  Spain and Morocco…are you serious?  They’re pussies…just like Canada…you don’t have to fear them.

This isn’t a new idea folks.  Vasco da Gama did this shit in 1497.  Portugal to India.  Number of pirate attacks…zero.

I know what you’re all thinking…isn’t that going to cost more money?  Yes.  Is there the risk of other African countries pirating the waters of the new shipping routes?  Yes…technically…but if that happens, they can just sail further out to sea.  Wasn’t the Suez Canal built to shorten the distance between Asia and Europe?  Yes…but it isn’t 1869 anymore…these fuckers have guns now.  Let’s use our fucking heads.

 

Maps

I haven’t worked in over 4 months and I really miss making maps.  At this point, I’ll use any global conflict/situation as an excuse to draw a north arrow on a sheet of paper.

 

Million-to-One Shot

The old Seinfeld bit is that every story a patient tells his proctologist ends with “It was a million to one shot Doc.  Million to one.”  Unfortunately, I don’t know any proctologists, so I don’t get to hear any of these stories firsthand.  However, I do know a urologist (my cousin), so I get to hear some good ones.  These stories are usually discussed at the dinner table on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc…and ALWAYS after the booze has started flowing.

These stories are bizarre and entertaining.  Most of them involve internal penis pumps, erectile dysfunction medication, and…drum roll…sex changes.  The story from Sunday may have been the best so far.  Here is my summary.

My cousin was told by his boss that a woman is coming in and he has to remove a cyst from her labia.  Labia cyst…piece of cake.  He checks her out before surgery, sees something that he is not expecting, and postpones the surgery.  After another consultation, he finds out that the woman used to be a man…that’s right kids…a post-op tranny.  After further inspection, it wasn’t a cyst.  Nope…it was a testicle.  A dead testicle that, literally, slipped through the cracks.  He removed it.  Case closed.  Tranny happy.

 

Seriously Netflix?

I signed up for Netflix the other day.  Why?  So I could go outside just a little bit less.  I’ve spent the last two days loading up the queue…a lot of new stuff, some old stuff, and even some documentaries I’ve been meaning to get to for a few years (The Bridge).  Everything I have on the list has “now” listed under “expected availability”…everything except one.  One movie has “long wait” listed.  And what is that movie?...Highlander.  Who else wants to rent Highlander besides me?  Do they only have one copy?  Seriously Netflix?