Lately I have had the blessing of working out at the Schaumburg Park District. A place that is tiny, hot, and smells terrible. We’re not talking about the standard gym “man smell”…we’re talking “retirement home smell”. If I were to estimate, I would say the mean age is around 60 with the median age at about 50. Minimal eye candy to say the least.
Peppered in among the elderly are a fair amount of douche bags. Guys who probably work at Jiffy Lube by day and huff wood glue in their basements by night. Losers. Tools who think they’re at Venice-fucking-Beach and pump themselves up audibly before every set. Look, I’m no Lou Ferrigno, but if you’re lifting half the weight I am and I’m not making a sound...you need to shut the fuck up. Damn that pisses me off.
All these losers seem to have one thing in common…they wear tank tops. I don’t know when it happened, but apparently a memo went out to all of America explaining that if you are lifting weights, you have to wear a tank top. Was there a 28th amendment to the constitution? Must have missed that one.
Of all the douche bags at the park district, one is my favorite…Basketball Jersey Guy. This guy is there just about every time I am there and is ALWAYS wearing a basketball jersery. I’ve only counted three so far…I can’t imagine how anyone could own more.
What jerseys does Basketball Jersey Guy wear? These three jerseys:
Jersey #1 – Kentucky Wildcats – 33
Who wore number 33 at Kentucky? Ron Mercer. Yes, this homo is rocking a Ron Mercer Kentucky jersey! Who the fuck has a Ron Mercer jersey? Who the fuck is wearing it in 2009? Basketball Jersey Guy.
Jersey #2 – Chicago Bulls – 33
Oh yes…Scottie Pippen. Does this guy think he’s being “trendy” and “vintage”? No…he’s just a poor bastard who, apparently, loves the number 33.
Jersey #3 – Michigan Wolverines – 33
This one took a little research…Cazzie Russel. Who is Cazzie Russell? Some dude who played at Michigan in the ‘60s. I bet this guy doesn’t even know who the guy is…he just LOVES the number 33 and in 1996, when he bought his other jerseys, he though, “Yeah…I’m going to the University of Michigan.” Really dude? I bet Basketball Jersey Guy failed out of Barber College because he couldn’t spell sizzors.
A Letter to Engineering Companies
Dear Engineering Companies,
Stop wasting my fucking time! Please update the “careers”, “employment opportunities”, and similar links on your company websites. I’m tired of writing intelligent, impeccable cover letters and emails to you people for jobs that don’t exist. That’s right…you people. You people think you’re so clever…so much better than me. Ooh…look at me…I have a fancy job that I go to everyday and get paid for it and I think it’s fun to waste the time of the unemployed. Get off your high-fucking-horse and update your website. If a job isn’t available anymore…take it off!
Eat shit,
DR
Capri Pants
Yesterday, a young lady I know posed a very interesting question to me via email. It was a topic I hadn’t thought about in a while and hadn’t discussed openly for even longer. I feel it is something that the readers of this blog should know about. My thoughts on capri pants:
Q: What are your thoughts on capri pants?
A: For men…no. For women…yes. For attractive women…white.
The First 100 Days
What has Barack been up to? Finding me a job? No. Curing swine flu? No. Bullshitting with Billy? You betcha.
Kickass Videos
“Fresh” by Daft Punk
“Stan” by Eminem…sorry Dido
“I Believe in a Thing Called Love” by The Darkness
“Rebel, Rebel” by David Bowie
“Groove Is in the Heart” by Deee-Lite
Lunchbox’s Dreams
Since David’s Corner sucks, I’ve decided to close today’s post with a new segment called “Lunchbox’s Dreams”. This is the story of a dream that he sent to me this morning. He doesn’t know I’m posting it. Hopefully, he won’t mind.
Before you ask...no, this probably isn't "blog-worthy"...I'm just too lazy to write my own shit. No pun intended.
So I am at a hotel in Cadillac, MI and the wake-up call got me out of the weirdest dream.
All of our friends were at some hotel that was either in Nebraska or Wyoming. I'm not sure if we were there for vacation or a wedding. The only reason I remember about the location, is because I remember bitching about the drive. Anyway, somehow my room reservation got screwed up and I was in a room with 3 girls I didn't know that well. Of course, when I got to the room, there were 2 regular beds and one bunk bed, and the top bunk was all that was left. Then the rest of the dream was me really having to take a crap, and not wanting to do it in this close quarters room with these chicks I barely knew. Every time I would think they were gone, I'd go back to use the crapper and they were there. Finally, I decided to negotiate a deal with DR. DR had a single room, and I ended up offering him $3 to go use his bathroom...he agreed. When I got to his room, there were about 12 people inside waiting to use his bathroom. DR didn't know these people were in there. They were partying and trashing his place. Also there was porn on the TV, but it wasn't even porn. It was just people sliding down mud slides and eating human crap. Big Spender was there, and I think he was responsible for this poor choice in video. I was pissed because I really wanted to use the toilet and now, besides the line for the bathroom, the place was being treated like a bar, and I was sure that the toilet was going to be disgusting.
I'm pissed my wake-up call woke me. I really wanted to see where this one was going.
Posts
DR -
ReplyDeleteI normally think posting a comment on a blog is a sinful and absolute abortion. Replying to a blog is the exact opposite of the purpose of blogging. Blogging is a one way street and anyone who comments or replies to a blog should be hit by a tractor trailer coming the other way. However, in this very limited and exceptional case, I am replying to your blog. I have been so fucking bored today that I have been checking the after hours trading of stocks I'm day trading. Do you know how much a stock moves in after hours trading, it doesn't. After about an hour, of which I have probably checked bloomberg 4 to 5 times, I have watched the tickers FAS and FAZ move $0.03 and ($0.04), respectively. In between my bloomberg crack hits, I have been checking your blog and have been disappointed 7 times as B. Arthur was still the topic of conversation. So, here's to you DR, for updating your blog and crushing my duldrum existance. You are a true American Hero. And to show you my gratitude, I will tell the asian 49ers cheerleader I've been tagging to call me DR tonight.
- PTom out
"I would say the mean age is around 60 with the median age at about 50."
ReplyDeleteSo what kind of outliers are we talking about here? Are there a couple 200 year olds bringing the mean up a full 10 years from the median?
Sidenote: Ptom, I think you're looking for "Twitter", with that whole no comments allowed proclamation you provided. On a lighter note, I think FAZ is due next week, finally.
I am going to do something I am not entirely cormfortable with, I am going to agree with PTom. This blog is the only thing that gives me even the slightest escape from the day to day grind that is my job, and I demand more. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank PTom for providing me with 5 minutes of entertainment looking at the 49ers asian cheerleaders. As none of them are named Ting-Ting, I am going to guess "Chris" is the lucky lady.
ReplyDeletei also perused them!
ReplyDelete"Tasha" must be the owners daughter then?
Dude...P Tom...what the fuck are you blathering about?
ReplyDeleteWow...Tasha is terrible. She must be really, really, really good at dancing. Or maybe she makes their dance mix tapes.
DR...no idea what exactly I was saying yesterday, that was a product of no sleep and probably an entire tin of dip in a 24hr time span. Either way, your blog yesterday touched something inside me, in a very special way, pretty much the same way that stripper's taint piercing touched me, it was special dude.
ReplyDeleteSo, when Dan said he was stopping his blog, I took him for his word. I just recently learned that the blog has continued. Therefore, I have a couple things to add.
ReplyDeleteI would be up for the challenge of a David's corner-esque segment.
The trip to S Carolina made me realize that you could lock a few of us that went to Iowa in a room for about 2 weeks, and during any time that we were awake, we could tell stories and laugh about shinanigans without repeating ourselves.
There was something else I wanted to comment on, but it was from probably 8 blogs ago and I don't feel like going back to figure it out.
-LB